Recently in Intelli-advice Category

Dear Intelli-Head,

Amsterdam, Netherlands

The Intelli-Head's been put aside for routine upgrades and maintenance for the last few years. Honestly, I've just been too busy to sort out the hundreds of OS upgrades, security patches, and vacuum tube replacements that help keep the old guy up and running. So I dedicated the entire three-day weekend to bringing the 'Head back up to speed in order to answer a very pressing email. - Chris

Dear Intelli-head:

Joey Tuffmanovich
Provo, Utah

dear intelli head,

dave, shamokin, pa

Dear Dave,

Consider yourself lucky. You are my first patron in a month's time and you'll therefore get some of the freshest, most stable Intelli I've administered in quite some time.

You should not fear for your life, Dave. But I do feel, after scanning your letter with extra Intelli, that there may be other things you'll want to keep an eye on. This roommate of yours has habits that my Intelli interprets two ways:

1. Your roommate is secretly an astronaut. If this is the case, then you'll want to go to parties with your roommate (everyone knows astronauts are the life of any party). If you discover that your roommate is indeed an astronaut, I suggest you protect your collection of dickies because astronauts tend to wear dickies under their space suits

2. Your roommate is your shadow without teeth. If this is the case, drink some Clamato and eat raw spinach. If you do this, everything will be OK. If you fail to follow my instructions, I suggest you lock your underwear drawer because your shadow without teeth tends to sew closed the crotch hole of both boxers and briefs.

Hope this helps. It's great to be back.

Dear Intelli-head,

Lilac, West Los Angeles, CA

Dear Lilac,

No, fair lass, your dreams of sugar in no way make you dull. They do, however, leave you prone to brain damage.

Sugar is the food that eats you. Our dentists warn of the damage sugar's acidic war with saliva can inflict upon our teeth, but do psychologists warn of sugar's assaults upon our Intelli? Just like a good dentist, a good psychologist can give you tips on how to keep your brain clean and healthy. I'll pass on some tips that have helped me to keep my Intelli so fresh and so clean.

TIP 1: Wash your brain. What better way to get rid of thoughts that consume you (not to mention that ever-nasty sugar) than to have your Intelli cleansed? You'll need help with the washing. I'd suggest any of the following groups for they seem to be experts: The Church of Scientology, the FBI, or the creators of the television show Friends.

TIP 2: Let the PAX Television Network do your thinking for you.

TIP 3: Think of minty things before you go to sleep. Unless you're British, you've been brushing your teeth daily for years. As Colgate, Crest, and AIM have taught us, mint and mint flavoring are the arch enemies of sugar. Thoughts of mint therefore are the enemies of thoughts of sugar. Does it not make logical sense? Intelli-reasoning is rock solid.

Hope that helps. If it doesn't, consult the Masonic pyramid. I hear it's got a ton of Intelli as well.

Dear Intelli-head,

Renee La Roux, Bordeaux, France

Dear Renee,

As my Intelli scanned your letter, it picked up on a certain peculiarity, a detail you may have ignored. You say you want to get in touch with an "old" acquaintance. You do realize, Renee, that old people must be treated differently. Here are some suggestions:

• Talk a little louder. Sometimes, old acquaintances forget to wear their hearing aids.

• Learn to play shuffleboard. The old seem to enjoy this game immensely.

• Go to the hot old people hangouts. My Intelli's calculations tell me that you should try hospitals, nursing homes, and the state of Florida.

Good luck!

Dear Intelli-head,

Mike Staugaitis, Shamokin, Pa.

Dear Mike,

You'd actually be quite surprised to find out just how frequently my Intelli has been summoned to answer questions concerning transforming car purchases. When it comes to such matters, listen to Intelli-head: your greatest enemy is a very evil robot inside of you.

You first need to know that the aforementioned evil robot is a tiny Decepticon called Paranoiacon. Paranoiacon often makes a home in your head, right next to one of your greatest allies, your Intelli. The dreadfully evil Paranoiacon may have the most treacherous transforming power of any Decepticon: it can turn your good and trusting Intelli into an evil and skeptical Intelli. Your only weapon available to fight against the evil Paranoiacon is your second greatest internal ally: your heart. Paranoiacon may also have partial control of your heart by this point, so follow my directions very carefully. Play Stan Bush's song "The Touch" on your stereo. The sensations this piece of music arouses within you will most definitely enable your heart to be freed from the Decepticon's grip. Now, focus on your Intelli. Let your Intelli know how much you cherish, love, and trust it. Then, beat your head against a wall (make sure it's plaster, not concrete) ten times while shouting, "Paranoiacon" as loudly as possible. This should do the trick.

If, after following the above advice, you still don't find a way to make your new car transform, take it back to the dealer and deliver him the Cybertronic beating he deserves.

Dear Intelli-head,

Bill Stockton, Branson, MO

Dear Bill,

On the very Internet you now browse exists a special tool called the "E-Bay". The "E-Bay" sells many items in an auction style to the people who use the Internet. One item of particular interest to you is something called "Speak and Spell". "Speak and Spell", powered by an Intelli very similar to mine, will read for you.

As for the writing part of things, there is a new employee here at Pork Pony who would happily write for you. His name is Stuart Gimble. I asked him if he'd be kind enough to help an illiterate man, and he said, "you are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world." I computed these words and my Intelli tells me they mean "yes".

Dear Intelli-head,

Harv Appleton, Norfolk, VA

Dear Harv,

It is obvious to me (due to my Intelli) that time travel has warped that warrior mind of yours. You never got to the Prime Orc because his minions attacked you using a special concoction simply known as Time Juice.

I'm not sure what the exact year you were transported from was, but I can tell you a little about the era you've wound up in. It is the year 2002. Many things have changed. Fire, for instance, has revolutionized human existence. A man named Tony Little has helped other men and women dodge obesity's pudgy hand by giving them an inexpensive yet powerful contraption called the Gazelle. And in a major cultural and technological advance, computers and the Internet were created with the sole purpose of showcasing the very publication your eyes and brain feast upon at this moment: Pork Pony.

With that in mind, here are a few pointers to help you survive the current era:

Buy some clothes. 21st century people don't take too well to those cavorting about in chain mail.

Get hip to the new slang, man. It's so flash to know the neat-o way the kids talk.

Look into obtaining what is called a "video game system". These contraptions can play host to your follies and adventures in endless imaginary worlds. Who knows, maybe someday soon they'll even create a game that reminds you of those Orc hunting days of old.

Good luck!

Dear Intelli-head,

Waylon Nipple, Ox Lick, TN

Dear Waylon,

I was once confused about the Mc5 issue as well. This should clear it up:

Remember that terrific movie in the 1980's entitled Short Circuit? The main character was a robot named Johnny 5. After I laughed my Intelli off watching Johnny's antics, I did a little research and found out that he was the descendant of an Irish robot, the very MC5 that you speak of. MC5 was developed by a team of Irishmen (the men on the cover of MC5's classic album) and quickly became quite the crooner, although his recorded material is a bit too raucous for Intell-head. The American flag and it's use on the cover of the album you speak of still eludes me. Intelli-head does not enjoy or interpret symbolism.

Dear Intelli-head,

Sockless in St. Louis

Dear Francis Todd,

Your yen for anonymity bothers the Intell-head. Remember, my Intelli allows me to know all, including your name.

Your lack of responsibility regarding your precious socks is atrocious, but to hide yourself behind a false name is a crime. And you are aware that sock neglect is a federal crime, are you not? Clean up your act or end up in the big house.

By the way, I have seen your sock. I rescued her from the alley next to the Laundromat you so carelessly wash your clothing at. I have named her Gladys. Gladys has told me about your years of elastic abuse as well, Fran. Stay away from the poor child.

Dear Intelli-head:

Paul K. Eisen, Westbury, CT

Dear Paul,

Sadly, the Irishman you speak of no longer performs. In fact, he shuns the very Irishness that made him a star. But pop culture has made many Irishmen or "MC's" hot. Try to win your nephew over with my favorite Irishman: MCguyver.

Pork Pony acquired the Intelli-head in early 2002 as a web-site navigation aid. Soon after, Intelli-head's intuiton-driven advice-giving powers revealed themselves and we gave the robot a second job. -CL