ELLETTSVILLE, IN--While driving through the neighboring town of Bloomington Tuesday afternoon, Philip Jensen of Ellettsville had the kind of close call that you don't want to have when you're behind the wheel.
"It was harrowing," said a visibly shaken Jensen, 45. "Here it is the following morning and I'm still jittery."
Jensen recounted his ordeal at a press conference he called Wednesday morning at his office. Refusing to answer any questions, he instead read from a prepared statement.
"There I was, driving along, when all of a sudden I saw it lying in the middle of the road. It was... a small, gray plastic bag. I couldn't tell you from whence it came -- probably a supermarket or department store -- but knowing that wouldn't change where it was, and that was right before my petrified eyes. If I think hard enough, I can almost see it still."
Jensen closed his eyes briefly and shuddered. He took a moment to compose himself before continuing.
"There was a mild breeze, so the bag was partially puffed up, making it more menacing than it otherwise might have been. Believe me, if it had been lying flat I doubt I would have even noticed the beastly thing.
"I applied my brakes, but did not come to a full stop -- that would have been a show of fear. As I was on a one-way street and there was a vehicle behind me, there was nothing else for it. I was going to have to try to get around the bag.
"Turning the steering wheel slightly to the left, I managed to edge my way around the accursed object, missing it by at least a couple feet. It chills me to the quick to imagine what might have happened if I had heedlessly run it over. It may have affixed itself to my tire or perhaps wrapped itself around the axle. My mind reels at the thought.
"And so, that is how I narrowly avoided what could have been a major catastrophe, both for my vehicle and for myself. I thank you for your attention. No questions please."
With that, Jensen abruptly terminated the press conference and refused to take any calls on the matter.
When reached for comment, the plastic bag rustled gently in the wind.
This rings very true with me, because I have slowed down and swerved out of the way to avoid driving over plastic bags in the street before realizing, "Oh, right. I could've driven over that." But the next time it happens? NO MERCY.
That was pretty awesome...he would make a great politician...