The Intelli-Head's been put aside for routine upgrades and maintenance for the last few years. Honestly, I've just been too busy to sort out the hundreds of OS upgrades, security patches, and vacuum tube replacements that help keep the old guy up and running. So I dedicated the entire three-day weekend to bringing the 'Head back up to speed in order to answer a very pressing email. - Chris
Dear Intelli-head:
Sometimes, after I down some brews, I get all misty-eyed and nervous and then have a hard time keeping it together enough to really kick it "hard core." Being all about the "hard core" and whatnot, this has made me really sad and hasn't helped when I try to get it "going on" with, you know, "the laddies."
I guess what I'm wondering is: Am I missing something, or doing something wrong here? I was totally raised to believe that there was some really awesome power in a can of MGD, power that I'm maybe not keeping inside of me for those rockin' times spent with the beautiful laddies from the field hockey team and stuff. Do I need to drink it, you know, "different," or maybe "faster?"
Coach says that maybe I'm not bringing a Winning Attitude to my time spent with beer, that I won't get to sweetly caress the totally hot curves of the smoking laddies of my school until I bring my "A" game and give 110-percent to whatever it is I do, whenever it is I do it. Is he right? If he isn't, then what's wrong with me? I try hard to be the BMOC, but I sometimes feel that I'm really only a SBMOC. The S stands for "sorta."
Sincerely,
Joey Tuffmanovich
Provo, Utah
Dear Joey,
My Intelli has been hard at work trying to decipher the meaning of BMOC. I've taken into consideration your ingestion of alcoholic beverages, your desire for "laddies," and your mixed ethnic origin (your colloquialisms suggest an Irish origin, your name betrays your Russian ancestry, and you're from Utah which probably means you're a Seventh Day Adventist). According to calculations, it is 91.274% likely that BMOC is short for Boy Master Of Cork.
I haven't calculated much data concerning these "laddies," primarily because the Celtic Tiger courses through a different computing system altogether. That is correct; the Intelli-head was built in America for Americans, not on planet Ireland. The word here for "laddies" is "boys." I will tell you something about these boys and you.
A quick search through the Intelli-databases reveals that caressing the curves of a boy would most likely result in trial and incarceration. There are some large boys in prison who are often referred to here in the USA as "Big Boys." These "Big Boys" will allow you to caress them, but at a cost. They seek out smaller boys and make servants out of these smaller boys. These servant boys, endearingly known as "punks" are charged with all sorts of menial tasks like cleaning showers (primarily soap hoisting duties), preparing salads, and performing stable chores (tending to roosters and donkeys). If your luck improves with these boys or "laddies," as you like to call them, you will more than likely be able to experience life as a punk, and therefore you may truly "kick it hard core," as you say.
I wholeheartedly suggest you seek other forms of pleasure. Try women, also called ladies, for instance. Women are biologically engineered to compliment men and a good lady may be able to help you achieve life as a different BMOC, a Babe Master, Of Course.
Logically,
Intelli-head
P.S. "Different"
It's great to see that weird advice-giving widget you tried to scare me with last Fat Tuesday up and running again. If what you told me while you and that bike gang were rolling me is true, then a revived Intelli-Head should help allot of people with allot of things.
Like the classic song says: "It's not what you get, it's what you give."
Great to see Intelli is operational once again. Did he grow some Intelli-Pubes over his hiatus? He seems a tad more PG-13 than I recall.
What can I say? Upgrades.