A small section here in comparison to the previous posts. The day after the stag and prior to the bad-ass conclusion that awaits. The final "Immigrant" appears here, along with a few secondary characters, like Clarissa. The co-writer did all of her dialogue throughout the script, by the way. I also noticed how many CUT TO's were misused while reading this again. The entire script, not just this section. This part shouldn't take too long to read. Don't worry, it is almost over...
INT. FRANCO'S ICE CREAM - AFTERNOON
CLOSE ON
Brad's smiling face.
BRAD
Hey guy, you want a free cone?
Yet another IMMIGRANT, make that #3, gazes at Brad. The
question is a mystery as this man has NO grasp of the English
language.
IMMIGRANT #3
Give to me a bananana milkshake.
Brad backs off of the counter, slides open the freezer door
with great force, and then hurriedly scoops some banana ice
cream into a Styrofoam cup. He slams the cup on the counter.
BRAD
Here! Shake it yourself.
Immigrant #3 timidly takes the cup offered to him, but
doesn't pay. Brad doesn't seem to care.
Bald Bull barges into the parlor and steps in front of
Immigrant #3, who looks into his cup of ice cream.
IMMIGRANT #3
Spoon?
Bald Bull turns to face Immigrant #3.
BALD BULL
Wait your turn, chief.
Beat.
Immigrant #3 exits the parlor.
Jesse turns his attention away from his work on the soft
serve machine.
JESSE
What's up, Bull?
BALD BULL
Where's that little turd at?
JESSE
I haven't seen him all day.
BRAD
He's probably still hung over.
JESSE
You hear about last night?
BALD BULL
Fuck last night. I'm here to see
that small piece of slime.
JESSE
Have a seat.
Bald Bull takes a seat against the wall, next to an
inflatable cow display.
BRAD
Still bitching about Punch-Out?
BALD BULL
I'm here to collect my money.
BRAD
What money?
BALD BULL
I did it. I beat Tyson in the first
round.
JESSE
You can't do it. The program itself
won't let you.
BALD BULL
You want a piece of this action,
too?
JESSE
Not me, Charlie. I get stuck on
Soda Popinski.
BALD BULL
(laughs)
Amateur!
BRAD
(to Bald Bull)
You want a free cone?
BALD BULL
Hey numbnuts, I'm lactose
intolerant. You forget?
Brad shrugs his shoulders and walks to the back of the
parlor.
Clarissa enters the parlor.
CLARISSA
Hey.
JESSE
(quietly to himself)
Oh, shit.
(beat)
Hi. how you doing?
CLARISSA
Good, good.
JESSE
What's new?
CLARISSA
Not too much. I was just watching
t.v.
JESSE
Really?
CLARISSA
Yeah. They had this old episode of
'In Search Of.'
JESSE
And?
Brad returns to the front.
CLARISSA
Do you know what I mean? The show
narrated by Leonard Nimoy?
JESSE
Yeah.
CLARISSA
He played 'Spock' on 'Star Trek.'
JESSE
I know who he is.
CLARISSA
Did you know he directed 'Three Men
and a Baby?'
JESSE
The movie with the ghost?
CLARISSA
'Ghostbusters?' That's with Bill
Murray.
BALD BULL
He was in 'Stripes.' Damn good
movie. Damn good.
CLARISSA
(turns to Bald Bull)
I've never seen that. What's it
called?
BALD BULL
'Stripes.'
CLARISSA
I've never even heard of that.
BRAD
You never heard of 'Stripes?'
CLARISSA
No. I've heard of 'Stripe' from
'Gremlins.'
BALD BULL
Don't you mean 'Ghoulies?'
JESSE
They made 'Critters' as well.
BRAD
How did we get to that?
JESSE
I have no idea.
BALD BULL
Where is that fool?
CLARISSA
What fool?
BALD BULL
Ronnie James.
CLARISSA
Dio?
BALD BULL
Yeah.
CLARISSA
You know Dio?
BALD BULL
You don't?
CLARISSA
I met 'Debbie Gibson' at the mall.
BALD BULL
That's good.
JESSE
What was on the show?
CLARISSA
What show?
JESSE
The show you were going to tell me
about.
CLARISSA
Um...I don't remember.
BALD BULL
Damn, Dio.
CLARISSA
No, it wasn't him.
A LARGE GROUP of kids enter the parlor with a parent or two.
Jesse ignores all of them.
Brad is left to serve all of them. They are misbehaving and
rowdy. The parents do not discipline them as they run AMOK.
Ronnie James enters the parlor, he looks rather ragged.
Bald Bull goes over to Ronnie James upon his arrival and
hovers above Ronnie James with an aggressive stance.
BALD BULL
Pay up, chump. I've been looking
for you for a few days now. I beat
Tyson in the first round three days
ago.
RONNIE JAMES
Got proof?
BALD BULL
My word is proof enough.
RONNIE JAMES
That ain't proof. I need proof.
BALD BULL
Like what?
RONNIE JAMES
Like tape it next time.
BALD BULL
How about I show you in person.
Just bring your cash.
RONNIE JAMES
I don't know why you insist on
talking so much trash about
something you can't do.
A KID eating an ice cream cone, stands next to Ronnie James
and Bald Bull.
BALD BULL
Shut up. I can beat him so fast in
the first round, that I'd have time
to take out Super Machoman and Von
Kaiser, too.
RONNIE JAMES
Now you're talking nonsense. I bet
that you have a hard time handling
the Kaiser the second time around.
BALD BULL
Don't mess with me. No one can
touch me, you're nothing but a--
Bald Bull notices the kid who stands in their space. He looks
at the kid, annoyed.
BALD BULL
Can I help you?
KID
What's Punch-Out?
Bald Bull and Ronnie James stand in simultaneous silence and
stare at the kid with no expression. Their postures relax
slightly, as they look like two, identical entities.
RONNIE JAMES
It's a video game. About boxing.
BALD BULL
Yeah, you're a small fry, like this
guy--
(points at Ronnie James)
And you fight a bunch of really
cool characters, until you get the
chance to fight Mike Tyson.
Beat.
Bald Bull and Ronnie James await the kid's reply. The kid
licks the ice cream cone.
KID
That's stupid.
The kid walks away and joins the other kids in a huddle.
Ronnie James and Bald Bull stare at the kid, each shocked and
agape.
EXT. GARAGE - MORNING
Jesus exits his garage. He rubs the crust from his eyes while
he shuts the door.
SIDEWALK
He meanders about the sidewalk, observing the daily
activities of the citizens on the sidewalks and streets.
Seemingly EVERYONE who sees Jesus reacts to his appearance
with a look of utter confusion or a snicker.
Life goes on around Jesus as CUSTOMERS enter/exit the strip
of stores. A JOGGER runs past Jesus. A WOMAN walking her dog
passes by Jesus with great speed. She stares at him.
GROCERY STAND
Two men, a GROCER, 50ish, and an IRATE CUSTOMER, mid 40's,
argue. Inaudible to Jesus at first, he closes in on the stand
and witnesses the Irate Customer gesticulate erratically. The
Grocer retaliates and waves a bag of fruit.
IRATE CUSTOMER
Come on, these are 49 cents a pound
at the supermarket.
GROCER
Don't give me that shit. My stuff's
fresh. Just try and find stuff that
fresh at the big stores.
IRATE CUSTOMER
You're ripping me off!
Jesus walks up to the two men and stands very close to them.
They notice him.
GROCER
69 cents a pound is not ripping
anybody off.
IRATE CUSTOMER
That's practically stealing from
me! What the hell is wrong with
you?
GROCER
You don't like it, go somewhere
else for your nectarines.
IRATE CUSTOMER
That's the smartest thing you said
all day.
GROCER
Smart? You want smart? I'm about to
DO the smartest thing I've done all
day.
IRATE CUSTOMER
You're the kind of guy who should
be stoned in the streets, you
sheister!
Jesus calmly steps in between the two men and looks into the
eyes of the customer.
JESUS
He who is without sin may cast the
first stone.
The Grocer looks Jesus up and down.
GROCER
Who the...?
(beat)
Mind your own business, hippie!
The two men continue to argue. They get so close that their
chests nearly touch. They bump together, separating
themselves from Jesus in the process. Jesus puts his head
down and continues to roam the streets.
CUT TO:
This section is like the third section for me. It has really funny moments, but the scenes don’t tell more about the characters. They also kill the momentum that was built in the end of the third section and the fourth part. I’d say combine the two scenes here somehow.
Clarissa is becoming boring. Her dialogue here is better than the bar scene, but it seems to be the same joke. I want to know more about Jesse and her relationship.
My comment about the Immigrant is the same. It becomes even more glaring with girls from the second section getting names. Who were they?
If I were the lone writer on this thing, I would simply get rid of the Clarissa character, actually. Jesse being single and having the same ambition with women as he does in the rest of his life would make him the ultimate slacker. This would also give more time for further extensions of the characters.
I believe that the Clarissa and some of the bar stuff were written the way they were backwards. What I mean, is that those ideas wanted to be there, and then stuff was written around those ideas rather than write something more necessary and color it with jokes.
I have tried writing with another person twice so far, and have found out that it doesn't work all that well. This case was not a big deal, because this piece was just for fun, and the co-writer never did comedy before. If I took 100% control of this, I feel that I could polish it up pretty well. The other co-writing experience was a nightmare. The guy was all over the place, talked like a used car salesman, claimed to many things and produced nothing, etc. I pretty much sacrificed my Young Ones DVD for my freedom in that situation.
I think that the ending will make up for the lax Part 5. Think of Part 4 and add formal wear.