Soda Jerks- section 4 or "The Stag" by Weaver

INT. JESSE'S CAR - NIGHT

SUPER: THE STAG

Jesse drives, Brad rides shotgun, and Marco sits in the back.
Marco leans forward between the front seats.

EXT. DOWNTOWN STREETS

The car cruises the downtown, where the traffic is bumper to
bumper. All makes and models, creep along slowly. The drivers
and passengers converse with some of those standing on the
sidewalks. Jesse's car follows the slow movement of the flow
of travel.

Teens fill the sidewalks in front of the shops and buildings.
They stand in small groups, huddled together in their various
cliques.

INT. JESSE'S CAR

Jesse sighs. Stares straight ahead.

MARCO
So, um, guys, any good places to
eat around here?

JESSE
Oh, we're not going out to eat.

BRAD
Yeah, we've got something better
planned.

MARCO
Okay.
(beat)
Maybe I should call Claudia and let
her know where we'll be.

JESSE
Ah, don't worry about it. You'll
have the rest of your life to kiss
her ass.

Marco is taken aback by that statement.

MARCO
You're right, I guess.

Jesse concentrates on the road.

JESSE
(beat)
Yeah. What did Claudia tell you
about me?

MARCO
Don't get offended, but she said--

JESSE
Trust me, you can't offend me.

MARCO
Nothing like that. It's just that
she doesn't really talk about you
that much.

JESSE
I don't talk about her all that
much, either.

MARCO
Where are we going tonight if we're
not going to dinner?

BRAD
Somewhere.

MARCO
Like where?

EXT. STREET

CLOSE ON

A red light that causes Jesse's car to stop.

Jesse looks out of his window. A GROUP of people, all in
their early twenties, stand on the corner of a block. MALE #1
looks right at Jesse.

MALE #1
Looking at something?

JESSE
What?

MALE #1
You dumb? Can't hear? I said, what
are you looking at, fuckface?

Brad leans over Jesse and peers out the driver's side window.

BRAD
You want me to fuck your face?

MALE #1
Don't sing it, bring it.

JESSE
You need to take it down a notch
and get a life, tough guy.

MALE #1
Be a man and get outta yer car.

JESSE
I'm right here. I ain't movin'.

BRAD
(to Marco)
You might have to back us up.

MARCO
Huh?

BRAD
You ready to kick a little ass?

MARCO
I don't know about this.

JESSE
Keep it up, and you'll get a front
row seat.

MALE #1
Front row seat?

JESSE
Yeah, to the gun show!

Jesse flexes a muscle with his left arm.

FEMALE #1 steps forward from the crowd.

FEMALE #1
Those ain't guns, asshole!

JESSE
Hey, honey, it's a little late,
shouldn't you be getting back to
the zoo before it closes?

FEMALE #1
You wish you could get a piece of
this.

JESSE
No, thanks. I'm not into gorillas.

Female #1 flips Jesse the 'bird.'

MARCO
This is getting ugly.

BRAD
If it gets serious, you get out and
start punching the girls.

MARCO
What?!

BRAD
You can take most of them. They
can't fight that good. We'll handle
the guys.

The cars behind Jesse blow their HORNS and SHOUT obscenities
at the car. Jesse sits back in the car and slowly pulls
ahead.

The GROUP gives Jesse the middle finger and swear at him.
Jesse drives away with his 'fuck you' finger extended out of
the window. Marco leans back in the seat, smiling.

MARCO
You guys are nuts.

Marco laughs.

Brad and Jesse look at each other, clearly disappointed.

INT. WILMA'S BAR & GRILLE - LATER

Wilma's is a COUNTRY dive with worn, wooden floors, neon beer
signs and beer-sponsored sports posters covering the walls.

Brad, Jesse and Marco enter the bar. They pay the doorman a
cover charge. Jesse walks to the bar, while Marco surveys the
bar with a look of surprised awe.

A sporadic blend of patrons of all ages, with the emphasis
leaning towards white trash. The crowd is sparse, not yet
elbow to elbow.

A middle-aged, HILLBILLY TYPE MALE is serenading an OBESE
WOMAN, on stage, to "Sweet Home Alabama", via karaoke. He
dances and sings with the look of constipation. The obese
woman looks into his eyes, totally in a trance.

Jesse squeezes in between two OLD MEN men, who sit at the
bar, and creates enough space for himself and Marco, who
stands behind Jesse timidly.

Jesse tries to get the BARTENDER to notice him. He waves a
hand at the bartender. The bartender flashes a look at Jesse.

JESSE
Three beers.

BARTENDER
What do you like?

JESSE
Get me anything cold except lite
beer.

BARTENDER
You got it, chief.

Jesse drops his MONEY on the bar. The Bartender grabs three
bottles of beer from a chest, twists off the caps, and sets
them down in front of Jesse. Jesse hands the beers to his
comrades.

MARCO
Thanks. What do I owe you?

JESSE
Don't worry about it.

Jesse turns around into Brad who's liplocked with some BAR
SLUT. He taps Brad on the shoulder and hands him the beer.
Jesse turns back towards Marco, who looks at the stage with
interest.

MARCO
I've never been to a place like
this before.

JESSE
It's a pretty good time. This place
is always good for a laugh.

MARCO
Is that Brad's girlfriend?

JESSE
For the next few hours. If that.

Marco, confused.

A NEW PERFORMER gets up on stage. A handful of people clap.

MARCO
I wish we had a place like this
back home.

JESSE
You don't?

MARCO
Not like this. This would be a fun
place to go after work.

A moment of silence.

The opening guitar riff for GUNS N ROSES, 'Welcome to the
Jungle' starts to play on stage. The performer, a SKINNY GUY,
with a mullet hairstyle, starts banging his head.

MARCO
Aren't you going to ask me the
usual brother questions? Like what
I do for a living?

JESSE
I don't like talking about work.
Why bring it up when you're not
there?

MARCO
Makes sense.

The Skinny Guy starts to sing. The words are displayed on a
screen in front of him.

SKINNY GUY
Welcome to the jungle, we got ones
and change! We got anything you
want, buddy we go to games! We are
the people that you find when you
go runnin' away--

MARCO
Are you ready for the wedding?

JESSE
As ready as I'm gonna be.

MARCO
You don't seem too happy for
Claudia. Didn't get along with her
growing up?

JESSE
I still don't. But I'm trying to
tolerate her.

MARCO
She seems to be a different person
here at home. There's a lot of
weird tension.

JESSE
Personally, I think it's the whole
woman thing. You know, that time of
the month?

MARCO
The stress of the wedding is
getting to her. She'll be back to
her normal self soon enough. At
least I hope anyway.

JESSE
Stranger things have happened--

Jesse looks at the stage. And POINTS.

JESSE (cont'd)
Like that!

Marco quickly looks at the stage.

The Skinny Guy on stage has an old broom in his hands. He
pours a shot on the bristles, and then ignites it with a
lighter. The broom is on FIRE.
The Skinny Guy plays the broom like a guitar while the guitar
solo is blaring from the speakers. He is really into his
performance. The crowd goes NUTS.

Jesse claps his hands, Marco looks thoroughly amazed.

JESSE
Rock on, you crazy son of a bitch!

SKINNY GUY
In the jungle, welcome to the
jungle...

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. WILMA'S BAR & GRILLE - LATER

An hour has passed.

The crowd has grown to almost twice the number since when the
guys entered. Brad leans up against the bar next to Marco and
Jesse.

JESSE
The romance over?

BRAD
For now.

MARCO
This place is packed.

Brad looks away and takes off.

MARCO (cont'd)
His motor is always running, huh?

JESSE
That's Brad for ya.

MARCO
Where's your girlfriend?

JESSE
That's another thing I don't like
to talk about.

MARCO
Sorry, I just thought--

KARAOKE MAN (V.O.)
Jesse and Marco!?

Jesse sets his beer on the bar, and grabs Marco by the
shoulder.

JESSE
Looks like we're up!

MARCO
(confused)
What?

Jesse drags Marco through the crowd and up onto the stage.
Marco has stiff posture when he turns and looks out into the
crowd of people. The KARAOKE MAN hands Jesse and Marco their
microphone.

Jesse indicates to Marco to look at the t.v. screen.

The lights on stage dim slightly and disco lights begin to
flutter over Jesse and Marco. Jesse and Marco stand a few
feet apart from each other as the first notes of a song
starts to play. Jesse makes Marco get back to back with him.

The song starts and Jesse sets his microphone down and creeps
off stage, leaving Marco, unaware of Jesse's absence, alone
on stage.

The song is 'It's Raining Men.' Immediately, a GROUP OF MEN
wearing tank tops and skin-tight jeans rush the stage and
begin to dance a little too close to each other.

MARCO
It's raining men, hallelujah!

Marco looks to his side for Jesse. All gone. No Jesse. Marco
glances at the screen and sings the song solo.

Jesse, leans against the bar with a beer in hand. He laughs
hysterically.

Marco goes through with the song. The men dance and dance and
DANCE to the performance.

MARCO (cont'd)
(uncomfortable)
It's raining men...whoo hoo...men,
hallelujah! Men...raining
men...raining men...

The Group of Men start to make the 'Y.M.C.A.' motions. Very
homo-erotic.

MARCO (cont'd)
...hallelujah...raining men...da da
da...men...

The song finishes. Marco is grabbed and HUGGED by the entire
Group of Men.

The crowd APPLAUDS. Marco hands the Karaoke Man his
microphone.

Marco leaves the stage and walks over to the bar. He laughs
hard. He tugs on Jesse's arm.

MARCO (cont'd)
I can't believe you did that! That
was a good one.

Jesse smiles.

JESSE
You liked that, huh?

MARCO
That was funny. You got me. I owe
you one.

Marco hugs Jesse. Jesse has a look of disdain.

JESSE
(pounds his beer)
Let's go. We're out of here.

Jesse and Marco head for the door. Jesse passes by and GRABS
Brad, who makes out with another girl, other than the one he
was with earlier. Jesse pries Brad away from the girl.

JESSE
Time to go, Valentino.

BRAD
Damn. That was Mary Beth!

JESSE
So?

BRAD
So?! She might be the one!

JESSE
You said that about Gretchen,
Frieda, Cheysu and all the others.

BRAD
But she was different.

JESSE
Until the next one.
(beat)
Keep moving--

The guys exit the bar.

EXT. VACANT PARKING LOT - LATER

In a vacant parking lot, next to the abandoned strip mall,
the CB guys have their trucks parked all over the place.
Lawn chairs are set up, they all face the side of one of the
run-down buildings.

Brad, Jesse and Marco pull in, and clear out of Jesse's car.
Salutations are exchanged between everybody, Darth, Armchair,
and Gomez.

Ronnie James, carries a duffle bag over to Jesse, and pulls
him aside.

Brad and Marco go over to and mingle with the CB guys.

JESSE
Everything all set?

RONNIE JAMES
Like butter, man.

Jesse rubs his hands together.

JESSE
Good, good.

RONNIE JAMES
Can you do me a favor, man?

JESSE
What?

RONNIE JAMES
Can I put my arm in your trunk for
now?

JESSE
Sure.

Jesse opens the trunk of the car. Ronnie James tosses the bag
inside.

JESSE
Why do you have that thing with
you?

RONNIE JAMES
Just in case.

JESSE
In case of what?

RONNIE JAMES
In case I see Bald Bull.

JESSE
Okay.
(beat)
And what are you going to do with
it when you see him?

RONNIE JAMES
Once I prove him wrong about Punch
Out, I'm going to slap him in the
face with it, man.

Jesse chuckles.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
He won't expect that, will he?

JESSE
Not a chance.

Jesse and Ronnie James go and merge with the crowd.

Frito and Gomez hand each of them a beer. Armchair takes a
piss over in the corner where two walls meet. Marco holds a
40 inside of a paper bag.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VACANT PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

The crowd continues to drink, lounge, and chit chat.

Ronnie James walks out from behind one of the buildings. He
appears slightly drunk. Ronnie James gathers the attention of
the entire crowd by whistling and waving his arm towards
himself.

RONNIE JAMES
People, yo...people...listen up.
The time has come. It's time...hey,
hey--

The crowd slowly gathers in a semicircle around Ronnie James.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
C'mon people...listen...it's time
to party. It is time.
(beat)
Everybody ready?

The gang CHEERS and voices their approval.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
Then let's get ready for some
action. Yeah!

Ronnie James points to Frito, who is behind the wheel of a
truck. Frito turns on a row of spotlights on top of the roof
of the truck, illuminating the wall IN FRONT of the crowd.
The crowd stares at the wall.

Ronnie James points at Frito again.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
The music, sir...

Frito turns on a BOOMBOX.

The song 'Two of Hearts' by the STACEY Q crackles and blares.

Ronnie James walks to the wall, crouches down, and sticks his
head inside of a large hole in the wall.

Ronnie James pulls his head out of the hole, and then joins
the crowd, standing next to Marco.

The song continues...

Appearing from out of the hole in the wall, a NASTY, FAT
STRIPPER crawls on her hands and knees, on top of cardboard,
and emerges in front of the crowd.

Mid 30's-She's dressed as MADONNA.

She is followed by yet another stripper. This one appears to
be 7 months PREGNANT.

The strippers dance seductively, however, they have no
rhythm. Madonna tries to do a split, but it is crooked and
only opens about half way. The Pregnant one bends over in
front of Darth, and almost topples over.

Ronnie James grabs a hold of Marco and drags him towards
Armchair, who sits in a lawn chair.
Armchair moves from his spot as he's replaced by Marco, who
laughs due to his slight inebriation. Gomez turns to Frito
with a shocked expression.

GOMEZ
That's Armchair's lawn chair.

FRITO
I know, dude. What an honor.

Marco gets a lap dance that ranks with the worst in the
history of lap dances. Nonetheless, he seems to enjoy it.

As the lap dance continues, the crowd gets more raucous and
YELLS and SCREAMS.

Oblivious to the partygoers, A POLICE CAR crawls into the
parking lot. It STOPS.

OFFICER LAMBERTO, mid 40's, walks over towards the crowd. As
he gets closer and sees what is going on, he smiles in
disbelief.

The Officer notices the boombox and presses STOP.

The crowd turns to the boombox and--

SILENCE.

Everyone sees Officer Lamberto.

The Officer steps in between the crowd and inspects everyone
with a flashlight.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
My first question: is there any
liquor here?

People in the crowd shake their heads 'no' as some secretly
set their beers down on the ground.

OFFICER LAMBERTO (cont'd)
Having an open container will get
you arrested.

The cop turns and KICKS over a bottle of beer that was on the
ground.

OFFICER LAMBERTO (cont'd)
I take it that was nobody's?

ARMCHAIR
Wasn't ours.

Officer Lamberto stalks the grounds. Everyone starts to close
in on him to get a good listen.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
I don't know what you guys are
doing, but I'm sure it isn't all
that illegal. In fact, nobody
called in to complain. I happened
to see this party of yours from the
street.
(beat)
I know a few of you guys and I
should bring you all in, but since
nobody complained, and no one's
been hurt, why don't you just pick
up and get out of here?

SILENCE.

Ronnie James takes off running.

Officer Lamberto snaps his neck to catch Ronnie James fleeing
the scene.

Ronnie James gets about twenty feet from the cop, when he
trips and falls into a huge pothole filled with water. People
in the crowd laugh, the cop just shakes his head.

The Officer slowly walks towards the pothole. He turns the
flashlight on Ronnie James, who is on his knees. Ronnie James
raises his arms over his head, looking into the light with
squinted eyes.

RONNIE JAMES
I ain't fucking going nowhere, pig!

OFFICER LAMBERTO
Why are you running?

RONNIE JAMES
It wasn't me, man. I'm a pawn.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
What are you talking about?

RONNIE JAMES
Don't try that pig psyche shit with
me, man.

Officer Lamberto steps to the side and speaks quietly into
his shoulder-radio CB.

The CB guys curiously watch the cop talk into the CB.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
(more audible)
Charlie? This is Franklin. I got a
good one for you.

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. VACANT PARKING LOT - MOMENTS LATER

A lot of Cops are on the scene, questioning everyone.

Most of the parking lot party people are DRUNK.

Ronnie James, in handcuffs, leans against a police car.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
You weren't planning on driving
anywhere tonight, were you?

RONNIE JAMES
No, man. I'm gonna ride the tiger!

Ronnie James laughs.

Officer Lamberto is perplexed.

Ronnie James catches a glimpse off in the distance of
something amazing.

HIS EYES set on Jesus (?!).

Jesus walks near the garage he calls home.

Ronnie james reacts with a fury.

RONNIE JAMES
You gotta be kidding me, man. It's
Jesus Christ! I've just seen
Christ! As in the son of God, man.
Holy shit.

Officer Lamberto grabs Ronnie James by the collar and throws
him in the back of the car.

OFFICER LAMBERTO
That's enough out of you.

Ronnie James sits in the back of the car for a moment, and
then sticks his head out of the window.

RONNIE JAMES
Yo, Jesse? Jesse? Where's my man,
Jesse, at?

Jesse, busy with OFFICER MARCUM, turns to Ronnie James.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
Don't damage the trunk and lose my
arm, man!

Officer Marcum shoots an angry look at Jesse.

OFFICER MARCUM
Arm?

JESSE
I don't know what he means. He's
drunk. He's talking...crazy talk.

OFFICER MARCUM
Really?
(beat)
Why don't we make sure?

JESSE
Okay.

OFFICER MARCUM
And open your trunk.

JESSE
I didn't drive tonight.

OFFICER MARCUM
You didn't?

JESSE
Nope.

RONNIE JAMES
Stop lying, man. They know!! I told
you that like a week ago. They know
everything, man. So does Christ.
Christ saves. With him there's
nothing to fear!

OFFICER MARCUM
Open the trunk.

Jesse smiles.

CUT TO:

EXT. JESSE'S CAR - SECONDS LATER

Jesse and the Officer stand over his trunk. Jesse opens the
trunk.

A duffle bag lays there. Officer Marcum shines his flashlight
inside the trunk and there's nothing. Nothing except the
duffle bag.

Officer Marcum unzips the duffle bag. Jesse looks nervous.

Officer Marcum is overcome with nausea.

OFFICER MARCUM
You sick son of a bitch!

JESSE
Oh, no. That's not what you...you
don't think that I...

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - HOLDING CELL - NIGHT

A small jail cell is crammed full of people, almost entirely
made up of the gang from the parking lot. A few old DRUNKARDS
sit amongst the tightly packed crowd.

Jesse and Marco are led into the cell by a cop. Once inside,
the door is slammed shut and the lock secured. The JAILER
begins to turn away from the door, Brad sticks his face in
between the bars of the cell.

BRAD
Hey, hey, officer.

The Jailer turns around.

OFFICER
What?

BRAD
Can I trade my phone call for a
conjugal visit?

The Jailer ignores Brad and by turns his back on him. Jesse
and Marco huddle up with Brad and Ronnie James, who is still
drunk.

The CB guys are in small groups.

DARTH
...it was 'The Wrath of Khan.'

ARMCHAIR
Are you sure?

DARTH
Are you doubting me?

ARMCHAIR
No.
(beat)
I'm sorry.

DARTH
If you are, where's my copy of 'A
Star is Porn?'

FRITO
Didn't I return that to you?

DARTH
No.

FRITO
I will.

DARTH
When? When the tape's shot? My
tracking on my VCR isn't all that
great.

ARMCHAIR
That's not cool. It's time to give
it back.

FRITO
What about my copy of 'Fighting
Whores 7?'

ARMCHAIR
What about it?

Gomez and a MISCREANT play 'slaps.'

Jesse and Marco lean in a corner.

MARCO
You guys do this all the time?

JESSE
Not exactly.

Ronnie James crashes their conversation.

RONNIE JAMES
What did you tell the pigs, man?

JESSE
I told him that somebody, from your
work, pulled a stunt and put the
arm in your car. And tomorrow
morning you were going to bring it
in.

MARCO
Arm? What arm?

JESSE
Don't worry about it.

MARCO
This has been one of the weirdest
night of my life.

RONNIE JAMES
You liked those strippers, huh?
They were hot.

Marco stays silent as he tries to dodge Ronnie James' bad
breath.

RONNIE JAMES (cont'd)
It's cool, man. They took my breath
away, too. 'Top Gun' style...wooo!!

BRAD
What do we do now?

JESSE
The guy at the desk said everything
was cool. I don't know why they
haven't let us out yet.

Ronnie James starts to do push ups on the floor.

BRAD
They're probably waiting for some
people to sober up.

JESSE
Ronnie James, you sober yet?

Ronnie James rises to his feet.

RONNIE JAMES
Hell, yeah. Rock and roll, man!

Ronnie James topples over.

BRAD
Great.

DISSOLVE TO:

INT. POLICE STATION - HOLDING CELL - NIGHT

The cell door opens. The Jailer calls out:

OFFICER
I'm looking for Marco and Jesse.

Jesse and Marco stand up.

JESSE
(to Brad)
I'd love to stay and chat...but I
gotta go, got a thing.

BRAD
No problemo. I'll be in touch. I'll
write you from time to time.

Both guys look around the cell. And then walk out of the cell
door. Ronnie James runs to the cell door, panicked.

RONNIE JAMES
No! They're taking you to the
chair, man!

OFFICER
You two are free to go.

JESSE
Thank God.

Jesse and Marco exit the cell.

Ronnie James runs to the door, only to have it slammed in his
face. He grabs onto the bars of the cell door.

RONNIE JAMES
Noooo!

Jesse, Marco and the Jailer stare at Ronnie James.

JESSE
Watch out for him, okay?

BRAD
If time permits.

Brad looks at Ronnie James, and then the Jailer.

BRAD
Are we getting out of here soon?

JAILER
I'm just the tour guide. I don't
know anything else.

MARCO
(to Brad)
Goodnight.

JESSE
Later.

BRAD
Don't forget about me.

The Jailer leads Jesse and Marco down the hallway.

Ronnie James slides down to the floor, holding onto the bars
of the cell door the entire time. He looks towards the door
with a sorrowful expression.

RONNIE JAMES
(screams)
Avenge me!!!

CUT TO:

INT. POLICE STATION FRONT DESK - MOMENTS LATER

Jesse and Marco sign a paper at the front desk.

They turn around into Claudia. She hugs Marco tightly, and
then throws a vengeful sneer over Marco's shoulder at Jesse.
Jesse responds with an angry look.

CLAUDIA
Are you all right, Marco?

MARCO
I'm fine.

CLAUDIA
You smell like...like...old beer
and shit.

MARCO
The cell wasn't exactly the most
sanitary place.

Claudia looks at Jesse.

CLAUDIA
I'd leave you in there to rot, but
Mom and Dad made me get you.

JESSE
I can always go back.

CLAUDIA
Just shut up, already! You're in
enough trouble with Mom and Dad as
it is.

Claudia storms out of the police station. Marco stays behind.
He looks Jesse right in the face, half smiling.

MARCO
Don't worry about her. I'll talk to
her later, when she calms down.

JESSE
Don't bother.

Jesse and Marco walk towards the door.

MARCO
About tonight...
(beat)
I had a blast.