Nunchucks. Yes, nunchucks. This, the final episode of Time Canyon, not only features everyone's favorite martial-arts weapon, it also tells the tale of a man who uses the Canyon and wins. Weaver's in prime form once again. (CL)
For years, human beings have sought ways to travel through time; machines invented, concoctions ingested, warped-glasses peered through, but to no avail. Mother Nature, however, invented time travel when she invented the mountains, fields, valleys, and rivers that dot the Earth. She hid her time machine well, but all that was needed was a mishap, an accidental stumbling upon, to discover the mystical powers of Time Canyon. No one really knows who discovered Time Canyon and no one really cares either, I guess. This is what is known about Time Canyon:
1. It is to be found somewhere in the mountains of coastal Southern California.
2. You can only use its powers once.
3. It only works backwards in time, never forward.
4. It does not transport people or items back in time. Instead, Time Canyon takes voices back in time and shouts them into the ears of one specified recipient.
5. Time Canyon does not make any guarantees, nor is it responsible for any misuse and/or byproducts of its powers.
Without further ado, I present to you a tale of another man and his yearning for vocal time travel.
EPISODE 4
Valley High School, Room 104. Los Angeles, CA. June 3rd, 1984: Kyle Rampy sat back in his school desk, arms folded behind his head of long, blonde hair. He stuck out his chest with confidence, expanding the Iron Maiden T-shirt hiding beneath his patch-adorned denim jacket. He slowly craned his neck, onto which the acne from his face had ventured, and faced his friend, Mick. Mick was Kyle's toady, more than a true friend. Subservient and loyal, he felt cool to be in Kyle's confidence, and Kyle had no problem being the alpha male.
"Yo, Mick", Kyle beckoned with a drawl of southern cool. Mick inched over in his school desk and got close enough for a good listen. "What?" Mick eagerly asked. "Steph's parents are letting me go up to their cabin with them in a couple of weeks." Kyle smiled with a confident smirk. Mick smiled himself after seeing Kyle's glee. "Oh, yeah?" "Yeah, man. Up by the lake where they stay every summer, and I'll be there with them for a few weeks." Kyle started bucking his hips while staring at Mick. Mick wasn't really thrown off by this maneuver. He just ran his hand through his lengthy, curled hair, sculpted in a pompadour. Still bucking, Kyle squinted his eyes together. "I'll be snaking her all summer, dude. Yeah. I can't wait."
Mr. Griffin, the middle-aged history teacher, left his chair and paced in front of the class holding a thick stack of papers. "Here are your finals. Sorry I didn't get them graded faster, because I know how eager you all are," Mr. Griffin finished with a bit of sarcasm. Mr. Griffin walked in between the students, handing out their final exams face down with typical teacher security.
Mr. Griffin placed Kyle's exam in front of Kyle, and then bent down to Kyle's level. "Kyle, see me after class." Kyle looked at Mr. Griffin with little care. When Mr. Griffin walked away, Kyle looked to Mick for a response. Mick was busy giving his exam the sign of the devil and banging his head. Mick caught Kyle out of the corner of his eye, and then turned in Kyle's direction with his exam displayed. "Eighty-fucking-one, dude."
The bell rang signaling the end of class, and the students shot out of their desks and emptied the room as if it were on fire. Kyle slowly stood up, reached into his back pocket and unsheathed a comb. With his free hand guiding the comb through his hair, Kyle swept the blue, plastic comb from his forehead all the way to the outer reaches of his unmanaged split ends. He returned the comb into the pocket of his skintight jeans and calmly walked up to Mr. Griffin's desk.
"What's up, Mr. Griffin?" Kyle unnecessarily asked. Mr. Griffin looked at Kyle, and got right to the point. "Well, you failed the final, and didn't do so hot on most of the other tests and assignments this year. So, if you are going to be on pace to graduate next year, you're going to have to attend summer school." Kyle was pissed, to say the least. "I gave you the benefit of the doubt on the final, but it wasn't enough. You didn't even answer all of the questions, and I'm curious about some of your answers, too." Kyle just stared at Mr. Griffin with folded arms, faking toughness. "On the two essays about George Washington, what was this, uh, nunchuck stuff?" Mr. Griffin asked.
Kyle's eyes widened upon hearing this. "Yeah, he fought the British with nunchucks, dude!" "What are nunchucks?" Mr. Griffin asked. "What? Their two sticks with a rope holding them together, like the guys on Kung Fu Theater," Kyle yelled out, "those things are bad-ass, man." Kyle bounced his head with confidence. "But why did you say George Washington used them?" Mr. Griffin questioned. "It's in the book. Here, I'll show you," Kyle said as he flipped through the worn pages of his aged text. Kyle found what he was looking for, and then slammed the book down for Mr. Griffin to see. "There, in the book!" Kyle boasted while pointing at a picture of George Washington battling the British, holding a pair of nunchucks. Immediately, Mr. Griffin looked at Kyle with disgust. "Somebody drew those things in his hand! It is a black and white picture, and the nunchucks are drawn in blue pen!" Kyle was baffled. Kyle was silent. And in a minute, Kyle would be irate.
"If you would have answered those essays correctly, you would have passed, but you have to go to summer school. Sorry. It's only for a month, and it starts in three weeks", Mr. Griffin quickly directed. Kyle's jaw dropped and his eyes flared. "But I'm going to the lake with my girlfriend then!" Kyle exclaimed. Mr. Griffin paused for a moment, and then stated, "I can't help you out there. You really should have taken my class more seriously, Kyle. Go ahead, you'll be late for your next class. I'll talk to your parents about this."
Kyle slammed his history text closed and stormed out of the classroom in between the influx of new students arriving through the door.
The following days: In the basement of his house, Kyle talked to Mick about his predicament in history class over a bottle of Tab and a pack of stolen cigarettes. Mick explained the wondrous power of Time Canyon to Kyle. The next day, using Time Canyon, Kyle called back to George Washington, telling him that he should learn how to use nunchucks. He said to use them in battle, and that they were bad-ass. The father of our country took this advice, and continued on through history as we know it, except for that he always traveled with a pair of nunchucks at his side.
Kyle ended up passing his history final by the slightest of margins, and in doing so, passed the course and got to go to the cabin by the lake with his girlfriend. And yes, he snaked her all summer.
Kyle Rampy , Jr. was born April 11th, 1985
Last year around this time, I was going to do a cable access comedy show with some guys that at the time were psyched and seemed to be serious about making it happen. I auditioned and showed them some of my writing, and was in, blah, blah, blah. Anyway, this story was going to be one of the sketches, among other nonsense I wrote, but like pretty much everyone I've met with around here, they bailed and therefore my tale of a horny metalhead and the canyon remain only in cyberspace.