Outgoing Messages by Craig J. Clark

Here follows a transcript of the outgoing messages on the answering machine of one Dexter Livesey of 3046 Carteret Drive in Haddonfield, N.J., for the period of time between New Year's and the present day of this year:

1 Jan - Happy New Year! Hello, this is 856-555-1077. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you. And if this is Paul, I'm sorry you missed me. Try me again later in the week. - BEEP

6 Jan - Hello, this is 856-555-1077. Actually, this is an answering machine, but you probably already knew that. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. And if this is Paul, I keep missing you and you must keep missing me, but one of these days we'll get lucky, right? - BEEP

13 Jan - Hello, you have reached 856-555-1077. This call may be monitored to insure quality - or something. Anyway, if you leave a message, I'll get back to you - or not. And if this is Paul, please let me know when is a good time to reach you and I'll call you then. Thanks. - BEEP

20 Jan - Hello, this is 856-555-1077. Leave a message and I'll call you back. That's how it works, you know. And if this is Paul and you're not leaving me messages letting me know you've called, how am I supposed to know you called? I really want to talk to you, so please leave a message. - BEEP

3 Feb - Hey, there. 555-1077. Leave a message. And if this is Paul, hey, it's been two weeks since my last message. I figured I didn't want to keep pestering you, but... [pause] Look, if you don't want to talk to me, call me and let me know, okay? I can take a hint. - BEEP

5 Feb - 555-1077. Leave a message. And Paul - if this is Paul - I just listened to the message I recorded on Sunday and boy, does it sound stupid. "If you don't want to talk to me, call me and let me know." What an idiotic thing to say. If you wanted to talk to me, you would have called by now. End of story. Heck, it's been over a month already. I should just let it go. - BEEP

8 Feb - No, I can't let it go. When I talked to you on New Year's Eve, you sounded so enthusiastic. You sounded like you genuinely wanted to talk to me, only you couldn't because you had that party to go to. (Or was that just an excuse to get out of talking to me?) Anyway, this is the last message I'm leaving on my answering machine for you unless you call me back - and leave a message. Or better yet, you know what? I'm going to stay home all weekend. Yes, I'll just wait by the phone for your call. Ball's in your court, man. - BEEP

10 Feb - Okay, that's it, Paul. Back to the standard message. How do you like them apples? Hello, this is 856-555-1077. This'll teach you. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message - yeah, right - I'll get back to you. There. Done. Take that, loser. - BEEP

14 Feb - [audible sigh] Hello, this is 856-555-1077. Please leave a message. And if this is Paul, I'm really sorry for calling you a loser. And I apologize to anyone else who had to listen to my last message, especially my mother. Sorry, Mom. And, uh, Happy Valentine's Day. - BEEP

17 Feb - Okay, I can do this. [pause] Hello, you have reached 555-1077. Leave a message and I'll call you back. [click] There. Didn't even mention Paul once. Good for me. I am so past this. Whew! [pause] Shit, is that still running? Damni-- - BEEP

Two minutes later - H-hello, you have reached 555-1077. Please, please leave a message and I'll call you back. Really, I will. [pause] Paul, I miss you. We used to be so close. If you call, please leave a message. Thank you. - BEEP

2 Mar - Hi, this is probably Paul. If this is about the eleven messages I left on your machine in a row, I really feel bad about them. I just want to talk. I need to talk. Why won't you talk to me? If you get this message, it's probably because I'm in the shower or I stepped out for a moment. If this is the case, please, PLEASE leave a message. Please. And if this is anybody else, you can leave a message, too, but be quick about it. - BEEP

4 Mar - Fine. Don't call me back. See if I care. You know what this is, Paul? This is the sound of me not caring. You got that? Remember what it sounds like, because you won't be hearing from me ever again. - BEEP

24 Mar - It has been brought to my attention that my last message has been on for a while and that it is quite bitter - thanks, Ron - so here's a more pleasant one: Hello, this is 856-555-1077, where the pretty flowers grow and the animals of the forest romp and play. Leave a message, and when I'm through frolicking with them in the underbrush, I'll call you back. There, wasn't that nice? - BEEP

1 Apr - Hello, you're reached Huzzah and Finkelstein, Attorneys at Law. If you are using a touch tone phone, dial 1 for Frank Huzzah, Esq., dial 2 for Harvey Finkelstein, Esq., dial 3 for the receptionist, or dial 0 if you were completely fooled by this message. Ha! I'll bet you were, Paul. In your FACE! - BEEP

7 Apr - Okay, back to the standard message - and this time it's staying. Hello, you've reached 856-555-1077. Please leave a message and I'll get back to you. Oh, yeah. Back in business, baby. - BEEP

5 May - Happy Cinco de Mayo. I'll admit, I'm not happy, though. That's because it was five years ago today - on Cinco de Mayo - that I last saw Paul in the flesh, at the Chi-Chi's on Route 1. Remember that night, Paul? God, we got so wasted, didn't we? And we said we'd always stay in touch. What happened to us, Paul? Can two people really change that much in five years? I guess they can. And I guess our friendship really didn't mean that much to you, or else you would have called me back by now. Well, if you want it to end like this, that's fine with me. We're through, and this time I mean it. You think I'm kidding? Try me. - BEEP

6 May - Hello, this is 856/555-1077. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you leave a message, I'll get back to you. Promise. - BEEP

12 May - Hello, this is 856/555-1077. Leave a message and I'll get back to you. And if this is Paul, I really wish you would stop calling me. Really. You had your chance - plenty of chances. Don't think you can give me the silent treatment for four months straight and then come crawling back to me after a night of soul-searching at On the Border. Sheesh, the number of times you've called the past week - give it up, man. Don't make me have to get an unlisted number. I'm serious. - BEEP

20 May - The number you have dialed - 8-5-6, 5-5-5, 1-0-7-7 - has been disconnected. Please check the number and dial again. [pause] 8-5-6, 5-5-5, 1-0-7-7 - has been disconnected. Please check the number and dial again...