Vodka Funnel Remembered by David Kendall, Jr.

As I take time to write for Pork Pony, it makes me think of a web site I created some time ago. Believe or not, I was actually able to win awards, have Christian conservative watchdog groups sniff around the site, encourage underage drinking by violent means, and actually remain vaguely anonymous. Well, at the beginning of this year, it officially was wiped off the face of the internet. I speak of the Vodka Funnel Web Site.

The premise: a joke website made out of pure boredom involving the invention of a funnel to drink vodka. (Think beer bong but smaller.) This is what I get for living in a fraternity during my college career. The site went from mere presentation to an attempt at making fun of binge drinking while still doing as much binge drinking as possible. Well, some people actually thought it was funny. Even more took it way too seriously. Reasons? I don't have no clue, but I'll guess.

First, the actual vodka funnel used by myself and other devotees was an ordained minister. God bless the Universal Life Church. They will legally ordain anyone, and it's free if you do it on the web. Their mission is heart-felt and genuine. They want anyone who wants to preach the gospel of the Lord to be able to be a minister. This gives people like me the ability to take a plastic tube and funnel and have a legal document that reads, "Reverend Vodka Funnel." Simply putting that on the web site gave people some yuks.

Second, the people who were seriously into the vodka funnel as a lifestyle choice took the web site at face value. I received many, many emails from alcoholics from across this great globe presenting wonderful recounts with their personal vodka funnels. My favorites included a rugby team in Australia who would celebrate with the vodka funnel with each win and email how great it was. The email recounts ended when the team was kicked out of their league for "hooliganism." The other was a Brazilian kid, with broken English, writing about how I was "American CRAzY!!!" or "I like way you write, silly ! gOOfy!!!" Lastly, there was the German kid who told me shooting vodka straight into your veins was even better then the funnel. I'll take his word for it.

Lastly, I set up a vodka funnel club on Yahoo! This was set up simply because I could. Maybe swarthy stories would be posted, and general hilarity would prance like happy fawns in the comedy forest. Here are some of the sample titles from the message board: "X Rated Sex Dares," "Shemale Escorts For Your Pleasure," "Want a Bigger Penis?" and my personal favorite, "----> 3000 escorts in one place!!!" I want to believe the 'I love the vodka funnel! club' is a haven for sex-starved alcoholics. I can dare to dream.

I thought I would get some silly members to join the club. No one did. Well, that's not true. Some guy named Leavens joined, but I consider that a fluke. All I really got was that Brazilian kid, a vampire-infatuated young woman who listed www.hellimsuckingsatansdick.com as one of her favorite sites, and an eightteen year old boy whose quote was, "to be thugen or to be thuged out bitch."

The web site and club are officially no more. My interest waned when I realized how much trouble it would get me in. Plus, when you leave college, people don't seem to find the same humor in it as they might have at one time. Apparently, the beer pong and "whoo!" gene disappear when a college degree is placed in one's hand. And, when you're dating someone seriously, they seem to really frown on binge drinking humor sites. I can't see why. But, Pork Pony has made me nostalgic nevertheless.

So, no more scary emails. No more checking my web stats to find Christian lobby groups checking out the page on how to construct a funnel. No more people from web sites like "Drunk Chicks" asking for a link. I can only hope the Intelli-head becomes an ordained minister.