Stuance

Last Thursday, my employers here at Pork Pony told me something I hadn't realized until that day: Pork Pony's supposed to be funny. It is, as they call it, a warped humor magazine. Dear reader, I once left my favorite Mario Lanza record near the heater by accident and my error rendered that beautiful slab of sound warped. It would no longer play. Warped humor. Hmm...

After this revelation, I decided to look over the manuscripts of our web site's writers and add a little zing to them. I like to call my amendments "Stuance". Stuance transforms dull, colorless sentences that my primal cohorts pen into sparkling literary gems. Here are a few examples from Issue 11:

A.S. Albright writes the sentence:

"I would like to consider myself a reader."

Stuart Gimble adds a dash of Stuance:

"I, upon mulling over the many facets of my person, opine that if the choosing of a label for myself were fully up to me, the word 'Reader' would be tattooed boldly across my chest."

Do you notice the difference? Quite striking, is it not? Let us try another:

Eli Lindy writes:

"I forced a chuckle - an old trick of mine."

Stuance makes this boyish sentence a man:

"Through mine own lips I let out the falsest of chuckles, the mightiest of ironic guffaws. 'Twas a skill I'd honed through the years, using it repeatedly, aging it like a fine wine or cheese."

Has the art of Stuance sunken in? Let's try one more to make sure:

Mike Wargo writes:

"They will simply be a chance for us to have a little fun."

The Stuance striketh:

"These extraneous categories, seemingly naught but dalliance, shall become an opportunity for us to frolic in a sea of words, discussions, thoughts, and philosophies."

Stuance is the only way for Pork Pony. Forget this notion of warped humor. The literary high road is the only road worth driving on.