How do I read and write?

Dear Intelli-head,

Bill Stockton, Branson, MO

Dear Bill,

On the very Internet you now browse exists a special tool called the "E-Bay". The "E-Bay" sells many items in an auction style to the people who use the Internet. One item of particular interest to you is something called "Speak and Spell". "Speak and Spell", powered by an Intelli very similar to mine, will read for you.

As for the writing part of things, there is a new employee here at Pork Pony who would happily write for you. His name is Stuart Gimble. I asked him if he'd be kind enough to help an illiterate man, and he said, "you are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world." I computed these words and my Intelli tells me they mean "yes".